Change

You know what’s amazing about being a part of someone’s struggle?
You get to be a part of their victory too.

http://wearethatfamily.com/2012/09/one-2/

There was so much more I could have written under my previous blog entry "Why Did We Adopt", but I was not ready to answer that question out loud until  a few weeks ago. So I have no idea what to call this entry, but maybe when I am finished I will have a title.

The biggest changes this past year I thought were going to be with our youngest son and I would help him with those changes, but little did I realize I had a lot of changing to do. By the first week in Honduras I was already thinking this is not going how I thought it would be. I thought we all would be a little bit more patient, empathetic, excited for the new brother, etc. What is it I am supposed to feel like? I thought I knew myself, but I didn't and I didn't like what I was seeing or feeling.

How am I going to love this boy? He's ours. He is here to stay. But yet he still feels like a stranger. I have to love him, but how? My biological son is telling me, "Mom, I feel like you gave 1/2 your love to Justin", "Mom, there once was this little boy who felt sad because his mom loves someone else", "Mom, you guys still have the receipt for him right?" "Just why did we adopt him?". I have heard that remark probably 100 times and each time I tell my middle child the same thing just a different way. But, almost each time I was asking myself, "Why did we do this?". I knew the answer, but I couldn't feel it. You see God was dealing with me and my sinful nature. All my pride, my selfishness, my wanting for everyone else to change except for myself. I thought I could love anyone. I was always a happy person, liked most people, loved my family members with every fiber of my soul, loved my friends and would do anything for them. Why couldn't I love the one that needed it the most.

I now know why the professionals asked every question under the sun when we were psychologically tested for our home study, why they asked us about our relationships, why they asked how I dealt with the loss of my father, basically what makes one tick. It gets you thinking about who you really are and to get you to stir up the dirt and deal with it.

In the Spring of 2012 I had a conversation in the morning with Bob. Our youngest son had started pre-K 3 days a week and the 2 oldest at school. I basically told him I couldn't do it anymore. Its too hard and some things have to change. So we agreed that he would help out more in the morning before blogging for his job because any one thing would send the morning into a quick spiral amongst the kids, we moved the boys into separate rooms, we made a promise to pray like never before - for our family every day. I opened up myself to say the ugliest of things my heart felt to my husband and to my girlfriends. I gave up. I could no longer do it on my own. I told God, "Ok this isn't working, I am not working, I cannot do this, I give up, I am either going to sink or swim, please help me. I was desperate for a change - in heart, feelings towards my adopted son. I need to love him in the good and bad. It was hard. I felt torn a lot of the time.

I cannot help but think how God chooses to love me in spite of my stubbornness, my failures, the ugliness of inside. He loves me just the way I am, selfish, judgmental, prideful, unloving, etc. I was going to change Justin, but God had other plans. He was going to work on me too and not just our family. It was not pretty. I didn't have the problems. I had everything I needed. I wanted to say, "Stop God, focus your attention elsewhere. I don't have the problems". Through lots of heartache we all have been changed for the better. I finally see the blessings of adoption, I see all 3 of my kids as blessings. Funny because one of the reasons I had blogged about why we wanted to adopt was because I wanted to see God's blessings, I wanted to see what God could do. Little did I know just what was in store for us. God was used in a mighty way and I see his handiwork in my family every day.

I told a friend that I wouldn't change this past year for anything. Because if it all would have played out as I had planned I would have taken credit for the change. But this year was not about me. Only by the grace and mercy of God did he bring me, my marriage, and our family closer, miles closer. Are we perfect, oh no. (i'm laughing here) Are we all changed, YES!

p.s. Thankfully my close friends are still my friends and to my family too, thank you for knowing me and loving me, broken and all.

p.s.s. Daily I would pray to God to help me feel normal, help our family to feel normal, but all the professional books were telling me I was normal. Hahahaha.

why did we adopt?

Well just like many of you the orphan posters and billboards tug at our heart for various reasons. You want to help, save the poor, they are really cute, but the reality is..it is another child, a HUGE responsibility, yes a responsibility, but a blessing as well. I can honestly say that a year later. (yeah, this is my personal opinion and you caught me on a good day when all the kids are at school)

Bob and I talked about how "neat" it would be to adopt prior to having our own 2 biological kids. I remember sitting in bed with the laptop researching countries, fees, and the children. My heart was drawn to Mexico because of my heritage. Mexico seemed almost impossible to adopt from, much like Honduras we would later find out, so I pushed that thought aside and now fast forward 7 years.

At Valley Ranch Baptist Church, where we currently attend, they were hosting a Missions Sunday and various tables were set up in the lobby with ways that one could volunteer in our community as well as internationally. My husband was going from table to table as he was probably waiting for me to stop talking to someone, and a couple of guys starting talking to him about going to Guatemala on a missions trip. He eventually went with the guys and the rest is history.

After going to Guatemala with these men, who are now his life long buddies and some are accountability group partners, the men had a ingenious idea of inviting the wives along to Guatemala. So in March of 2008 the 12 of us went and had a trip of a lifetime.

Back in 2001 before starting a family, Bob and I had a discussion on whether our final "hurrah trip" or "last bit of fun before kids come along trip" would be to Hawaii or on a missions trip somewhere. Well, we are pretty predictable people so we went to Hawaii. Yeah we're horrible people right? So anyway, Hawaii was great, beautiful and we snorkeled for the first time and a year later in 2002 Madeline Grace Sturm was born followed by Brett Robert Sturm 2 years later. Life gets in the way and we were busy having fun raising our two kids and Bob was enjoying his time working at his dream job (talking & watching sports) and I was a SAHM (thats short for Stay At Home Mom I would later find out). But after that couples trip in 2008 I started thinking about adoption again and asked Bob what he thought.

He said he would think about it and we casually talked about it over the next few months. We continued researching and praying and we both felt at peace with our decision to adopt. We decided that Guatemala would be the country, but soon heard that Guatemala was closed to international adoptions indefinitely. Hmmm...well we still pushed forward and went to an informational meeting at Buckner in Dallas, Texas still not feeling led to any particular country at this point. There they told us that Honduras would be opening up soon, but they couldn't give us an exact time frame. Well, 2 months later the country was approved for Buckner and we proceeded with the piles paper work, lots of reading, questions and a lot of waiting.

Boy or Girl? We were requesting a boy or a girl between the ages of 2-4. We already had a son and a daughter. As I like the say, we had the best of both worlds. So we were totally wanting a surprise. Don't get me wrong, if we had all boys I would have definitely wanted some more pink in this family.

Older Child Adoption - In the adoption world a child over the age of 2 is considered an older child. The chances of them being adopted are slim. The older they get the lesser the chance. Visiting older child orphanages in Guatemala was hard, much harder than the baby home. In the baby home I thought someone will come for him or her. Look, he is so cute. But as we entered the older child orphanages you have a sense that this is the end of the road for them, this is where they will live with a dirt "playground", no toys, cement walls, no pictures or bright paint - boring and dull. Until one day when they become of age, 15 or so, they will open those doors and out into the world they will roam and hopefully make a living and be an asset to their country. So for various reasons Bob and I both felt at peace that an older child would fit perfectly into our family. Three years later on August 29, 2011 our family was forever changed. We would gain a son, Maddie and Brett, a little brother.

Why did we adopt? the bottom line is I don't think God called me to live a life of comfort. Believe me I have plenty of it. When I told God that I was feeling pretty brave. I knew I wasn't being called to live in Africa so I was feeling brave. Now I know. Yes, I am still living in my beautiful home in a safe place, with heat in the winter and A/C in the Summer. I can still leave my house without feeling danger, I can eat whatever I want whenever I want. Sometimes I wished that our family could go back to the way it was. It was so easy. Did I mess us up? Can I do this? What if we didn't adopt? Should we have asked for a little girl? I am not comfortable with our family, yet. For me, that means our family will be a forever work in progress. A work that is hard, but moments that I know were only from God. Healing that I know was only from God. Love that I know was only from Him. Our family is a piece of work that will always need mending and fixing and only to Him can we give the glory. From the outside we look "cute" some would say, but know that we struggle like other families and sometimes we don't do it well. But, we are trying because we know this is the life we were called to.

Secondly, I did not want our family to miss out on the blessings of listening to what we thought our family was to do. Yeah, I selfishly did not want to miss out. Yes, adoption is hard, hard, hard, but when you say yes to God you better get your running shoes on because its a crazy ride filled with mountains and valleys. But God does work in the hopeless and makes all things new. I am forever grateful for this past year and for how He has changed me and my family. We blindly walked into this adoption world with faith that I know only comes from Him the author of my life, my family, my destiny.

Happy Birthday Justin!

What a special day for us to celebrate an amazing little boy. He was super excited to talk about it in the days leading up to his party and wanted to make sure there would be balloons at his birthday. Family and a few friends joined us to celebrate with a pool party, but a few hours before the party a storm rolled in with heavy rain. So with a few indoor games, cake, and gifts this birthday boy was not disappointed one bit! Oh.. and the balloons.

So Thankful For Teachers

Brett and his 1st grade teacher at Parkway. She was strict, but also had a great heart for her students and Brett. On Awards Night Brett was handed a A/B honor roll and Most Creative Writer award. If he just tried an eensy weensy bit harder he would have made A honor roll.

Maddie and Ms. Davis. Love her enthusiasm!! She was crazy, but fun. Parkway was a great school with awesome teachers. Parkway Elementary will be missed for sure this Fall. Our family is headed to a new school district.

Brett's 1st grade performance at a PTA meeting. He volunteered to be one of the dancers. :)

Awards Night at Parkway. I am not surprised by Miss Maddie and her capabilities. She was pretty happy too.

The Bike Parade at the Spanish Schoolhouse was one of his favorite events there. They had a "police officer" (one of the cute teachers) handing out tickets if they did not follow the rules of the road. Yes, Justin was issued one!

He had a ball dancing in his first school performance as you can tell.

Love, Love, Love these 3! They are irreplaceable. All my kids had 1 or more of these teachers at the Spanish Schoolhouse. I will be forever grateful for this special group of teachers!! This is the end of the road for our family and the SSH. I highly recommend this school if nothing else for the teachers and the love and care they have for every family that walks through their doors.

The Big Talks

Back in March Justin started asking me about when he was a baby and he was really curious about whose tummy he was in. He said, "Mom I was in Elena's tummy". Oh goodness that came from out of nowhere. We were in the car on our way to a birthday party and I had the option of either ignoring his statement or telling him straightforward. No matter what books I had read or words from the professionals I memorized I was not prepared for that. So I just told him, his story, sparing details. And then he went about asking, What happens when our car crashes into another car?, What happens if I don't take a nap?, What happens if I forget to eat my sweet snack? and question after question.

Fast Forward to today:

Justin: Mom, I wished I was in your tummy
Me: Why?
Justin: Because I like you and I would be a baby like Brett, he was a funny baby.
Me:Oh...(and go on)
Justin: And I would already be here and you didn't have to go get me and you wouldn't have to wait for papers.
Me: I know Justin. But you are here now and that is all that matters right now. I am glad you are here and no more papers.

And then he happily goes into some other conversation about what happened at school much like our other serious conversations. I wonder what triggers his little mind to say these statements at the most random times. I wonder how much this will affect him later on in his life? Will he accept it or will he be angry? Will he know that I am on his side and I don't want him to hurt? Does he know I want answers too??

(Foster Mom's name changed)

Its REALLY official now!

On May 25, 2012 we made Justin's adoption final here in the U.S. Maddie and Brett were granted an excused absence and we were headed to the Ft. Worth, Texas Family Law Center. We stopped and ate breakfast at The Original Pancake House and then continued on.

It was really pretty easy and not stressful at all once we were in the court room. I don't have any babies, but if I did I hope I would be relaxed because all the cries and fusses in the court from the babies were not a big deal. In fact the judge asked for a little bit more noise because it was too quiet. They really did want a day of celebration in the court room and I guess all of the families were not rowdy enough for him. I was hoping to see more older child adoptions but Justin was clearly the oldest at almost 6 years old. A lot of babies except for one other brave family that had 3 biological boys and 2 younger adopted girls who seemed to be about 2 and 3 years of age.

I almost let Maddie and Brett go to school that day, but on the other hand I wanted another "official" day for them to process all of it, if it would help more. Questions still come up from the bio kids and I need to reassure them still. But on the other hand I think they "got it" and from all 3 the attitude was "Why are we going?" "But we are already a family", "But we already adopted him".

So needless to say as much as I would have wanted more of a celebration attitude it really was a lot like a day when the kids get along at times and then I'm breaking up a fussing match or two. But it is official and in the eyes of Texas we are the Sturm family of five.

This picture was taken before we went into the court room (everyone files in and listens to the other adoption cases. Each case lasted 3-4 minutes).

The judge pauses to take pictures with each family. Every child is welcome to take a stuffed animal home. They were used to decorate the court room.

Being a Big Brother

Having a little brother from Honduras is really hard. You have to get used to that boy or girl. You have to take care of them and put them to bed and feed them. When I first met Justin I was so excited to talk to him because he had really big eyes and he was really cute. We went to Wal-mart and went shopping for things we could use in Tegucigalpa. The roads were stumpy and there were a lot of mountains and hills. It was really cool there and we were staying in a little hotel. Every morning Justin would have Fruit Loops for breakfast. In the noon we always went on the rooftop. Sometimes we would play football and hide n seek. I bet Justin was really shy at first but he got used to us and he wasn't really scared anymore. Now 9 months later me and Justin play "the monkey and the zoo keeper". Justin is the monkey and I am the zoo keeper. The monkey always does funny things and always eats his homework, also known as Justin in the game. I think having a younger brother makes you really responsible for him. Sometimes Justin has a hard time falling asleep in his nap time. But when he wakes up me and Justin play "monkey and the zoo keeper" again. I'm really glad I have a brother in my family because it is really fun.
By Brett

Sports, Sports, and More Sports

This Winter/Spring our kids all tried something new for the first time. Madeline & Brett played basketball and Justin played soccer. Signing him up for soccer made me a little nervous just because he would have to play an "organized" sport - something I didn't know if he could handle. I soon realized that he was just as crazy as most of the other 5 year old boys out there. I love how Justin helped me realize that there are other types of boys out there, the crazy, rambunctious kind because now I pity with the other parents of wild 5 year old boys. Before I thought, "Man, they need to get a handle on that kid" and maybe they do, but the first thought I have is, "Whew, there are other boys like Justin". Don't get me wrong Brett is crazy, just not rambunctious. Big difference.

Waco Texas.

Spring Break 2012 was spent with girlfriends and our 8 kids. We only went for a couple of days, but it was still fun to stay in adjoining rooms in the hotel and take in simple things that the kids still enjoy like the Children's Museum in Waco and the zoo. Maybe one year it will be the mountains or the ocean, but for now if they will take in another museum and zoo I will not complain.

Chocolate and Chucky Cheese - Valentines Day

These two do not normally go hand in hand, but this Valentines Day that is exactly what we did. We gave the kids more chocolate than usual, and took them to Chucky Cheese. I am not a huge fan of the smaller kid venues, but once or twice a year we give in. My husband and I were going from game to game with each child and in passing we kept looking at our watches and each other so that we could go pick up our take-out from a local restaurant, go home, put the kids to bed, and eat a very nice meal, just the two of us. And it was lovely!

One night after dinner leading up to Valentines Day I told the kids that we would be exchanging valentines within our family and passed out the markers, cards and stickers. I thought there would be some mumbling and grumbling, but there wasn't so I proceeded like I wasn't holding my breath. Everyone was busy at hand and then Brett whispers across the table to me, "Mom, I almost forgot the most important one." Well, I thought that he meant Dad, but he looked and pointed to Justin. Made my heart so happy. Yes, it has been a big, enormous, and hard transition around here so to hear him say that made my heart skip a beat. So many things to say and I can't put it all into words, but our family is rounding the next corner. I am thankful for the love that we do have for one another and for the love that I know will come in His time.

Our Valentines Day breakfast was Chick-fil-A chicken minis, fruit, orange juice and chocolate and surprisingly the kids made it to school on time.

One More Backpack

Justin started pre-K in the beginning of January. The First day and every day since then has gone smoothly. He did need some encouragement from my older 2 that the SSH was going to be fun, that the teachers are so sweet and loving, and that he was going to have a blast. On Tuesdays and Thursdays he is taught in English and Friday is a total immersion day in Spanish. At the beginning of every month we print a calendar from so that he can see when he goes to school and any special days we have like going to the dentist, family members birthdays, etc. We hope that he will be able to retain his Spanish, but I think he has forgotten some of it already. When I ask him to talk to me in Spanish he says he forgot. We are hoping to call his foster mother soon so we will see how much he has remembered because neither Bob nor I can fluently talk Spanish. A lot of the schooling on Friday is new for him because when we first me him in April 2011 he did not know the basics (colors, counting to 10, etc) in Spanish. We don't have any regrets sending him to school 3 days a week from 9am-2pm. I know having him home for 3 months definitely helped him to have more confidence in himself. This past week his school gave him Periquito Azul to keep for a week. He is to write a few sentences and share a few photos of what him and Periquito Azul have done together. He has carried that bird around everywhere!! Needless to say Justin takes on this role very serious. We shall see what happens when he has to return Periquito Azul. (I tried to post a few more pictures, but I can't figure out what the problem is so 2 will have to do. The picture below is him having school with me on his off days.)

Christmas 2011

Christmas around our house means baking, parties, spending time with friends, and going home to spend time with both sides of our families. It was really exciting to take Justin home to meet our families. I did wonder how he would take to the chaos of my mom's house around the holidays and the stillness to my in-laws. Two very different households that I didn't know how he would respond to. Well, turns out our worrying was for nothing, he "fit right in". Those were the exact words of 2 of my family members told to me on 2 separate occasions. It was true. He didn't miss a beat. Staying up late, playing all day, taking naps when he could, he did it all and survived a Christmas in Wisconsin. Maddie was on the go the entire time. She loves the busyness of playing with her cousins. I say goodbye at the beginning of the week and hello on the airplane coming back to Texas. I usually have to grab her away mid-week and make her sit and talk with me for a little while. Brett loves to play in the basement of his grandmother's house with his boy cousins or to watch the trains on the extremely large track in his Grandpa Arnie's basement. It was so good to spend time with each of my brothers and sisters. I hated to say good-bye. I wish we lived closer, but I guess it makes going home that much sweeter. A memorable Christmas for sure or in Brett's words, "Our most valuable year yet".