Change

You know what’s amazing about being a part of someone’s struggle?
You get to be a part of their victory too.

http://wearethatfamily.com/2012/09/one-2/

There was so much more I could have written under my previous blog entry "Why Did We Adopt", but I was not ready to answer that question out loud until  a few weeks ago. So I have no idea what to call this entry, but maybe when I am finished I will have a title.

The biggest changes this past year I thought were going to be with our youngest son and I would help him with those changes, but little did I realize I had a lot of changing to do. By the first week in Honduras I was already thinking this is not going how I thought it would be. I thought we all would be a little bit more patient, empathetic, excited for the new brother, etc. What is it I am supposed to feel like? I thought I knew myself, but I didn't and I didn't like what I was seeing or feeling.

How am I going to love this boy? He's ours. He is here to stay. But yet he still feels like a stranger. I have to love him, but how? My biological son is telling me, "Mom, I feel like you gave 1/2 your love to Justin", "Mom, there once was this little boy who felt sad because his mom loves someone else", "Mom, you guys still have the receipt for him right?" "Just why did we adopt him?". I have heard that remark probably 100 times and each time I tell my middle child the same thing just a different way. But, almost each time I was asking myself, "Why did we do this?". I knew the answer, but I couldn't feel it. You see God was dealing with me and my sinful nature. All my pride, my selfishness, my wanting for everyone else to change except for myself. I thought I could love anyone. I was always a happy person, liked most people, loved my family members with every fiber of my soul, loved my friends and would do anything for them. Why couldn't I love the one that needed it the most.

I now know why the professionals asked every question under the sun when we were psychologically tested for our home study, why they asked us about our relationships, why they asked how I dealt with the loss of my father, basically what makes one tick. It gets you thinking about who you really are and to get you to stir up the dirt and deal with it.

In the Spring of 2012 I had a conversation in the morning with Bob. Our youngest son had started pre-K 3 days a week and the 2 oldest at school. I basically told him I couldn't do it anymore. Its too hard and some things have to change. So we agreed that he would help out more in the morning before blogging for his job because any one thing would send the morning into a quick spiral amongst the kids, we moved the boys into separate rooms, we made a promise to pray like never before - for our family every day. I opened up myself to say the ugliest of things my heart felt to my husband and to my girlfriends. I gave up. I could no longer do it on my own. I told God, "Ok this isn't working, I am not working, I cannot do this, I give up, I am either going to sink or swim, please help me. I was desperate for a change - in heart, feelings towards my adopted son. I need to love him in the good and bad. It was hard. I felt torn a lot of the time.

I cannot help but think how God chooses to love me in spite of my stubbornness, my failures, the ugliness of inside. He loves me just the way I am, selfish, judgmental, prideful, unloving, etc. I was going to change Justin, but God had other plans. He was going to work on me too and not just our family. It was not pretty. I didn't have the problems. I had everything I needed. I wanted to say, "Stop God, focus your attention elsewhere. I don't have the problems". Through lots of heartache we all have been changed for the better. I finally see the blessings of adoption, I see all 3 of my kids as blessings. Funny because one of the reasons I had blogged about why we wanted to adopt was because I wanted to see God's blessings, I wanted to see what God could do. Little did I know just what was in store for us. God was used in a mighty way and I see his handiwork in my family every day.

I told a friend that I wouldn't change this past year for anything. Because if it all would have played out as I had planned I would have taken credit for the change. But this year was not about me. Only by the grace and mercy of God did he bring me, my marriage, and our family closer, miles closer. Are we perfect, oh no. (i'm laughing here) Are we all changed, YES!

p.s. Thankfully my close friends are still my friends and to my family too, thank you for knowing me and loving me, broken and all.

p.s.s. Daily I would pray to God to help me feel normal, help our family to feel normal, but all the professional books were telling me I was normal. Hahahaha.